Clearwater Beach – Where you can find tourists & scientologists. Have fun with that.
I spend some time on the local internet forums and one of my favorite things to do is read all the comments saying something along the lines of “Don’t move here, we’re full” probably written by the people that moved here two years ago. I started to think wow these people are rude but maybe they’re onto something.
I figured I’d turn this into my own creative writing assignment and explore all the reasons not to move here. It’s also currently the middle of May, the time of year where it starts to get both stupid hot and humid so I wanted to express my discontent. If you need some reassurance on why you shouldn’t move here, feel free to call/text me at 727-307-1111 so I can explain to you why it’s not that great. OK let me get on with it and trash talk my own city, here we go.
8. It’s F***ing HOT!
Extra hot on the beach with no shade. Stupid beach.
Wow it can be uncomfortable in the middle of the day. My schedule goes something like this – get up early, grab some coffee and go walk my dog through a nice shaded neighborhood. Plan my day and become overzealous with what I plan to accomplish because I constantly underestimate how uncomfortable and tiresome it can be out in the heat in the middle of the day.
I usually end up working on my computer at some coffeeshop with AC acting like a pretentious hipster on my Macbook Pro, go home and take a quick nap while it’s too hot and then go outside and realize it’s still uncomfortable at 5pm.
There’s a couple of silver linings – One being that the ocean is really warm so it’s a great time of year to go boating. The second one being that about 5 months out of the year the weather is as close to perfect as I can imagine.
7. You May Become An Alcoholic
If you like dressing up to go out and get your drink on Beach Dr is where it’s at. Have fun you pretentious F***.
There’s so many places to drink. In fact it seems like almost any activity can incorporate drinking somehow. Going out to be social? Drink. Going on a boat? Drink. Gotta go to work and make money for drinking money? Maybe wait til after work but depends on your profession. It’s a good way to spend a lot of money and get fat. If this sounds like your thing here’s a list of my favorite places to go get my drink on
- Acropolis – Good food and hookah, friendly waitstaff.
- Mullets – Really good seafood, Southside gem by my house. Nice backyard and live music on weekends. Lots of the staff are so committed they have mullets. Great neighborhood bar and easy to park.
- Dog Bar – You can go here even if you don’t have a dog. Gotta be careful and make sure the dogs don’t knock over your precious drink but it is a fun place and easy to talk to people, just like it is at the dog park except with booze.
- Intermezzo – Coffeeshop during the day cocktail bar at night. Staff is awesome and they have a great happy hour and good people watching.
- Lolitas Wine Market – Great wine bar for a date but I’d suggest getting there early or getting a reservation.
- Dracula’s Legacy – This place has a super charming ambiance and part of that is because of the family that owns it. Great people that treat you like family.
- Frescos Waterfront – One of the only waterfront restaurants Downtown. Nice view of the marina and great to sit on their patio and get a little breeze off the water on a hot day.
- Bier Boutique – Cool little spot in Uptown. Apparently their burgers are buffalo meat instead of cow. If you’re into eating exotic animals this might be a good start.
I have to keep my drinking in check and take a break every once in a while. Good thing we have kava bars which are a nice alternative. You can go be social and have something to sip on, get a slight buzz but not go so hard that you wake up the next day hating yourself and questioning your life decisions. St. Pete is the kava capital of the United States apparently – We have the most kava bars per capita, whatever that means. If you’re a hippy, freak or weirdo you might fit in well at one of these. Some of my favorites are
- Steep Station – Lots of great events and an open space to move around. They sell Delta 8 THC products so be careful, you might be surprised at how potent these legal products are. Tuesday night is a great time to go for their fire spinning event and deep bass DJ.
- Grassroots – Great place to do work or study. Be sure to bring headphones or you might have to listen to some crypto nerds talk about the newest scamcoin on the blockchain for 2 hours straight.
- Driftwood Kava – This is a classy coffeeshop / cafe that serves kava. They also serve food and smoothies. Nice space and friendly staff
6. People That Shouldn’t Be Driving
You can learn how to use a roundabout. I believe in you.
Just today I saw someone run a light about 3 full seconds after it turned red. I saw someone blow through a stop sign and almost hit me and my dog and I saw two cars go through a stop sign at the same time. My theory is that the heat melts people’s brains down here.
My other theory is that most people that live around here are similar to my Dad. Around 70 years old and probably shouldn’t have a license. If you’ve ever seen an old man driving a mini van with kayaks on the roof doing 50 miles an hour in the fast lane, there’s a high chance that’s my Dad. If he’s wearing socks with his sandals then that is him for sure.
Driving is especially frustrating after I lived in Germany for 2 years and the citizens there are amazingly obedient to the laws, which is why it’s so efficient. It’s pretty simple – Drive right, pass left. Florida Man don’t have time for those rules though.
5. Lack of Public Transportation
No real public transit but we do have these stupid bikes you can rent for way too much money
There’s not really any decent public transit. The city just installed the Sunrunner bus system which is pretty much the half assed shortcut to proper public transit. If we had a lightrail from Tampa, to Downtown St. Pete, To the Beaches and stops in between – We’d be on the map for public transit in the US.
For now we have lots of people moving here which means a ton of cars. Not enough parking Downtown or at the beaches, not enough walkable spaces. It seems like it’s all changing for the better though, I tend to be more optimistic about things. There’s an organization called carfreestpete that’s petitioning for the city to implement a blockade of certain streets downtown and replacing them with a plant filled, peaceful, walkable area with places to stop in their proposed 3 mile loop.
4. Hipsters!
Stupid hipsters and their community gardens
Jesus I went to go try and enjoy a nice breakfast sandwich at the Old Southeast Market the other day and I saw out of the corner of my eye a man riding a Penny Farthing bicycle which if you’re not familiar with, is a type of bicycle invented by the original hipsters in the 1800s. Ruined my day.
In addition to that I’ve seen people wearing beanies in the middle of summer, gauged earholes you could put your thumb through, people with their self inflicted prison tats and overweight white guys with beards(like myself) who care more about drinking beer than being healthy. I’m not quite a hipster yet but I’m really trying to get there. Stupid hipsters out here with their haircuts, clogging up bike lanes, just being all hipster! They are the worst.
3. Florida Man
Florida man is you, Florida man is me. I pray to the father, the son and the holy Florida man. Florida man is a way of life. Florida man throws all caution to the wind and experiences life without worrying about consequences. Florida man realizes life is fleeting and worth making the most of this very moment. Florida man embraces freedom and won’t compromise his personal values for unjust laws. Florida Man is the new American Dream. If you decide to move here, I will help you manifest your inner Florida Man, and that’s why you shouldn’t move here.
2. Traffic
Just get a boat, cars are dumb.
Let me preface this by saying I’m usually a pretty calm person, however when I have to go over to Tampa for some reason and deal with their traffic I can feel my future hypertension diagnosis bubbling up inside of me. I’m good at keeping my road rage to myself when I have other people on the car and I never roll down my window to yell because I’m afraid of confrontation and would like to avoid getting shot so only my dog knows about my road rage temper.
I mentioned previously that we have a good amount of people that shouldn’t be driving which is a big problem in St. Pete. The problem Tampa has is there’s too many people! Covid really didn’t put a dent in the population like I was hoping it would so let’s see how this monkeypox thing plays out. Less people would also help the real estate market ease up a bit which would be fantastic. I’m one of those optimistic conspiracy theorists.
1. People not wearing masks
Sammy refuses to wear a mask cause she wants the world to see her pretty face
The humanity! You think Florida Man is concerned about wearing a mask? Florida Man’s trying to live his best life. Putting a mask on to go sit down in a restaurant and then having to take it back off will most definitely cut into Florida Man’s drinking time and ain’t nobody got time for that. Florida has recently gained notoriety/fame for our lack of covid restrictions. Why am I still talking about covid? It’s monkeypox season!
In Conclusion
Why are you still reading this? Don’t even think about moving here, we’re full! Florida is probably not for you so I wouldn’t even consider taking the chance. Just stay where you’re at and stop coming here and driving up our housing costs. If you have to move here I’d suggest you consider The Panhandle cities like Tallahasee, Panama City and Pensacola – also known as lower Alabama.
You could also go to the concrete jungle of Jacksonville, or maybe the swamp that is Orlando. The tourist trap of Miami/Fort Lauderdale is always a great option too. Please consider all of your options before you decide to ruin it for all of us and moving to St. Pete. Thanks for reading!